Throughout history, rivalries have defined the existence of mankind. Man vs. Dinosaurs. Jesus vs. the Romans. King Arthur vs. Mordred. Ali vs. Frazier. Man vs. Food. But there is one rivalry, one contest of who is better that makes all the aforementioned pairings take on the importance of South Park’s legendary Giant Douche vs. Turd Sandwich.
Batgirl vs. Catwoman: who’s hotter?
For the sake of argument, I’m only using the versions you see above, from DC Comics’ New 52 line. So, nothing from the Batman TV Series or any of the cartoons, nothing from the 80s or 90s, and no, you CAN’T vote on Barbara Gordon as the paraplegic Oracle. You sick fuck.
We’ll start with Batgirl first, since her name starts with a B and B comes before C in the alphabet. You just learned something! Some background on Batgirl, she’s the daughter of Gotham City Commissioner Jim Gordon. Well, at least for now. She WAS his niece at some point. I’m still not real clear on how she went from niece to daughter. Fuck it. She’s his daughter now, that’s the important bit. She decided to be Batgirl and hung out with Batman and Robin and Nightwing and the whole gang. She was taken down by the Joker after he shot her in the spine. The irony being, Joker didn’t know he was taking out Batgirl; he just thought he was wounding the daughter of Commissioner Gordon in front of him. Funny. But not funny ha-ha. Not at all, sir.
The now paralyzed Barbara Gordon used her superior intellect and computer abilities to become Oracle, Batman’s eye in the sky. She also was the sorta leader of the Birds of Prey, which included Black Canary, Huntress, and other unbelievably hot-ass super heroines. Especially Black Canary. Have you read the Frank Miller/Jim Lee All-Star Batman & Robin, the Boy Wonder? BC as an Irish lass who TOTALLY does it with Batman. Well, it’s IMPLIED that they did it. And Vicky Vale in that book? Good Lord. Glad Jim Lee wasn’t doing comics when I was a kid. I’d be shooting dust out of my daddy button if that were the case.
ANYWAY, when the New 52 started, Babs was back as Batgirl and we’re starting to find out how exactly she regained the use of her legs. She’s cute as a button, smart, and a redhead. I dig redheads. But not gingers. They have no soul, you know.
So let’s look at the Pros and Cons of Batgirl:
PROS: She’s crazy intelligent. Batman relies on her to be a step ahead of him. Yeah, THAT Batman. She has a great sense of humor. Hanging out with Alfred, Nightwing, and Tim Drake (I refuse to call him Red Robin; that has to be the most ridiculous super hero name ever. I either think “Yummmmmm!” or about him going bob-bob-bobbing along when I hear that name), one needs to have their chops in regards to their level of sarcastic wit. She’s a good girl. This isn’t someone who’s going to string you along. She’s tough, not just physically, but mentally. The Joker shot her point blank and she not only got her shit together, she became the Oracle. That’s one tough young lady.
CONS: Let’s look at that Joker issue. Barbara wasn’t just shot that night, she was physically and sexually abused. Joker stripped her naked and proceeded to take VERY provocative pics of her in suggestive positions while she lay dying in an effort to mentally destroy her father. Having said that, if your idea of a great relationship is one where the sex is coming early and often, there’s not much of a chance of that happening here. And that’s on top of her being a nice girl in the first place. You’re not weaseling into those drawers on the first date…or on the 15th for that matter. Especially now that she’s walking again. She’s trying to get her life back in order, both as Barbara Gordon and as Batgirl. She may complain about not having a man, but she probably isn’t looking that hard. Plus, she’s not going to give up the secret identity anytime soon, so there will be a LOT of unexpected exits and weird excuses for not making dates, etc. Finally, her dad is the police commissioner for Gotham City, one of the most corrupt cities in the country, AND she’s tight with the GODDAMNED BATMAN! You screw her over and your entire body is going to be worked over like a cadaver being autopsied with fists and ball bats instead of scalpels. So…yeah.
And then, there’s the Catwoman.
Her origins are based on her being a jewel thief and one of Batman’s minor villains. The comely Selina Kyle never seemed interested in killing the Dark Knight. She seemed more desirous of bedding Batman, which she eventually did, or at least, based on the Hush storyline, we can assume she did. Catwoman went through some pretty brutal costumes (that all purple thing she wore during the Bane/Broken Bat era was just hideous), but her current one? The one she wears as she sashays through town with in the Arkham City video game? Yeah. Let’s just say there are some movies that, ahem, turned me into a man in the 80s that weren’t NEARLY as suggestive as her wiggle in that game. Mmmmmmmm…
Catwoman eventually became something of a “good guy,” though she still had some sticky fingers (I mean she still stole, you fucking pervs). However, Selina loved her some Batman/Bruce Wayne and despite still being an independent type of lady, her heart was in the right place.
So, let’s look at the good and bad re: Catwoman:
PROS: She’s fucking HAWT. This is a girl who probably wouldn’t have a problem trading some sexy time for a vault combination, some diamonds, or some help in cutting off Two-Face’s second head, if you catch my drift. His wiener. I’m referring to his wiener. In case you didn’t know. Plus, you know, unless you’re the aforementioned Batman, this isn’t going to be a long-term deal. If you’re lucky, you can find enough reasons for her to stay on your good side, but you’re not marrying this broad. And anyone who wears skin-tight leather with the zipper down to her waist and no bra is probably not bashful in the boudoir. She’s also loaded. This isn’t someone you have to worry about supporting financially. Granted, she’s got money because she can easily convince the dudes in her life to buy her dinners, diamonds, small islands in the South Pacific, but you’re not going to have to be the one to provide her with an apartment, a car, etc. Did I mention she’s crazy hot? I did? Oh. Well, it bears repeating.
CONS: She will cut your dick off if you fuck with her. She’s a martial artist on par with Batman and, as stated above, doesn’t really need nor want you in the sack. It just suits her purpose at the time. Granted, she’s working on the side of angels lately, but she still could easily turn into a black widow pretty quick. She gives up the poonanner, you give her whatever it is she wants, seconds later, the wall behind your head is now colored in a new shade called “Hint of Brain.” And you will fall in love with her LONG before she even commits your name to memory. And there’s that intelligence thing. This isn’t some idiot; you want hot, dangerous AND stupid, go find Harley Quinn while wearing white face and a green wig. Finally, if Catwoman doesn’t kill you post-coitus, you can almost guarantee she’s going to steal your stuff.
WINNER: Shit, I don’t know. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Based solely on appearance, I’m going with Batgirl/Barbara Gordon. I’ve always been the “It’s hotter to conceal rather than to reveal” kinda guy. Yes, Selina Kyle is ridiculously hot (I think I mentioned that), but Babs in a ponytail, wearing reading glasses in a pair of sweats is pretty strong. Plus, by the time we finally get around to having, er, relationships, she’ll be deeply in love with me and the fact I’m just awful at the act of demonstrating physical love will be something she’ll just have to deal with.
Not that any of this matters. They’re fictional characters. And even if they were real, do you think they’d be into someone who read this entire blog?
Or wrote it?